‘How to not die alone’: A Hesitator's Guide to Embracing Love

In modern dating, the journey towards finding lasting love can be challenging, marked by distinct tendencies that shape our approach to relationships. While some individuals approach relationships with grand romantic gestures, there exists another archetype in the complex realm of romance—the Hesitator.

Unveiling the intricacies of modern romance, behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury, and writer of “How To Not Die Alone", explores the tendencies that shape our approach to love, with the Hesitator emerging as a distinct archetype alongside the Maximizer and the Romanticiser. Identifying your dating tendency, and understanding and navigating them are crucial for building meaningful connections.

Jump to section:

Who is the hesitator?

Downfall of the hesitator

Tips for hesitators

The Hesitator

The Hesitator approaches love with a sense of caution, treading lightly and taking deliberate steps before fully committing to a relationship. Their journey in the world of dating is often marked by a reluctance to dive headfirst into relationships. The Hesitator, guided by a sense of caution and a desire for security, seeks to make informed decisions when it comes to matters of the heart. While this cautious approach can offer a shield against potential heartbreak, it also presents unique challenges in establishing deep and meaningful connections.

Hesitators grapple with unrealistic expectations of themselves, often expressing sentiments like, “I'm just not prepared for dating yet. I don't feel worthy of love at the moment. I need to enhance myself before someone could genuinely love me.”

Hesitators think they need to be the best version of themselves before they start dating, but this tendency only leads to a series of missed opportunities, as they unintentionally close the door on potential meaningful connections that could contribute to their personal growth and happiness. The concept of being the “best version" can be subjective and ever-changing - it’s like chasing a moving target.

The truth is that readiness comes through active participation. Ury has a simple idea: “You can't fail at something you never attempt." This means that just trying to date is already a success. Every date, even if it doesn't go perfectly, is a step forward, a chance to learn and become better.

She compares dating to a skill, like playing a sport or an instrument. You don't get better just by thinking about it; you get better by doing it.

The reality is that the path to being prepared for meaningful relationships is an ongoing journey of self-improvement and self-discovery. It necessitates a proactive effort to understand personal preferences, refine social skills, and develop a clearer vision of the kind of connection they seek.

For the hesitator, the key lies in recognizing that the readiness for dating doesn't materialize overnight. It involves a deliberate process of self-discovery, defining the qualities they seek in a partner, honing their dating skills, and actively engaging in the dating scene.

To empower Hesitators in their quest for love, here are some tips to overcome hesitations and build more fulfilling connections:

Tips for Hesitators in Dating:

1. Reflect on Fears: Take the time to reflect on the underlying fears and hesitations that may be holding you back. Understanding these concerns allows for targeted self-improvement and growth.

2. Set Realistic Timelines: Instead of waiting for an ideal moment to feel completely ready, set realistic timelines for decision-making and growth, allowing connections to develop naturally rather than succumbing to the pressure of predefined milestones. Celebrate small achievements along the way.

3. Challenge Perfectionism: Release the need for perfect circumstances or flawless decisions. Accept that imperfections are a natural part of any relationship and can contribute to its depth and authenticity.

4. Embrace Vulnerability: Understand that vulnerability is not a weakness but a strength that fosters genuine connections. Opening up and expressing authentic emotions can deepen the intimacy of a relationship.

5. Communicate Intentions: Be transparent about your hesitations with your partner. Honest communication fosters trust and understanding, creating a foundation for a resilient connection.

In essence, the Hesitator is encouraged to recognize that love involves an element of risk and uncertainty. Rather than clinging to the notion of an eventual readiness, they should embrace the continuous journey of personal growth, learning, and connecting with others, recognizing that each experience contributes to their evolution on the path to meaningful relationships. Logan Ury's insights remind us that while caution is valuable, finding the right balance between prudence and openness is key to building connections that stand the test of time.