How our body image affects our dating life

4 mins read. Written by Brenda Tan.

How our body image affects our dating life

First dates are always a complicated experience. The anticipation of a newfound connection mixes in with the excitement of meeting someone new, all backlit by this nervous thought: “What do they think of me?” With the rising ubiquity of online dating apps, more and more first dates are set up without any prior knowledge of the other person or what they’re like in real life. How do you know what they really look like? What if they don’t like what you look like- or even worse, think of you as a catfish?

With the pervasiveness of unattainable beauty standards in mainstream media, we probably often find ourselves comparing our bodies to the ones we see on social media and in magazines, consciously or not. We pick at the ‘flaws’ and ‘imperfections’ that we see in ourselves, and worry about what others think of them.

When it comes to first dates, especially ones where we’re meeting a total stranger, it’s easy to fall down the rabbit hole of trying to leave as perfect a first impression as possible. Although understandable, fixating on how our dates perceive us may actually be detracting from us living our best dating lives. In fact, a recent study found that women with poorer body image experienced more anxiety when it came to dating, potentially inhibiting them from forming lasting romantic connections.

Problems arise when we begin to base too much of our self-worth on our appearance, and let others’ judgments of our looks dictate how we feel about ourselves. While on a date, being preoccupied with ensuring we look picture perfect throughout means that cognitive resources are being taken away from engaging fully with the conversation.

You may also end up with holding your genuine, unencumbered self, making it difficult for your date to get to know the real you. So what exactly can we do about this?

1. Be confident - even when you aren’t.

“Fake it ’til you make it” may sound like a tired cliche, but there has been extensive psychological research proving that faking it can, in fact, help you make it. In a famous study by Strack and colleagues, they found that simply holding a pen between your teeth, thus forcing a slight smile, actually led to improvements in mood. Applying this to interpersonal relationships, pretending to be confident can not only help you to feel more self-assured, but will also positively influence others’ perceptions of you.

Remember, people pick up what you put down! On your next Kopi Date, test out your best fake confident self- eventually, you won’t be faking it anymore, and the confidence will be genuine.

2. Be your own cheerleader.

Our body insecurities can lead us to seek external validation about our looks, be it likes on an Instagram post or from our romantic relationships. The age-old question, “Do I look fat in this?”, has been heard by many a partner, with the typical response being to assuage whatever concerns their significant other has about their body. While it’s not wrong to look for comfort from others when you’re feeling a little low, basing how we feel about ourselves on others’ opinions is a dangerous path to follow. Partners may come and go and the people in our lives will change, but the one thing that stays constant in your life is you. Instead of thinking about how to look good to others, learn to do things that make you feel comfortable and confident in your own skin- it shows.

3. Radical acceptance and self-love.

Much of what drives our body insecurity is the fixation on how it looks. With the commodification of beauty (as evidenced by the booming cosmetics and aesthetics industry), we’re constantly fed content that tells us ‘looking good makes us feel good’ or gives us tips on how to ‘stay in shape’. At the end of the day, we need to remember that our body’s fundamental purpose is to keep us alive, and nothing more. We do not exist to look pretty. We exist to be people.

Appreciate your legs for the way they support you through a tough workout, instead of shaming them for having (completely natural!) cellulite. Thank your arms for the warmth they provide when you give someone a hug, rather than worry about whether they jiggle.

Thank your body for keeping you alive, instead of hating it because of made-up beauty standards. This will take time, but it takes continuous effort to unlearn years of subliminal messaging! The effects will bleed into your dating life, too- when you learn to truly accept and love yourself, the partners you attract will treat you as such.

It’s The Heart That Matters

At the end of the day, the most meaningful relationships are formed on the basis of a deeper emotional connection, not looks. Your relationship with yourself, too, will improve as you grow and learn to love yourself for the person you are. On your next Kopi Date, try using these tips to cast your body insecurities aside, and focus on getting to know your date for the wonderful person they are!